The Proclamation Pandemic
Trump's presidency is notable for the number and unusual nature of the proclamations he's issued. But he's just getting started.
You probably know that our dear leader is on track to be the most proclaiming president ever. It’s like he tears them off from a big roll of Bounty.
So far in his second term alone (which seems so much longer than it’s actually been) he has removed commercial fishing restrictions in the Pacific, declared a national emergency because of “cross-border threats,” changed the name of the Gulf of Mexico, invoked the Alien Enemies Act to justify unjustified drone strikes, established “Loyalty Day,” proclaimed a national day of prayer, targeted Harvard University for supposed “national-security risks,” required certain non-immigrant workers to pay $100,000 to stay in the country, and imposed tariffs on pretty much everybody. And that’s only about half of the proclamations he’s issued.
As regular readers know, I’m here to serve President Trump in any way I can to make his path to permanent rule smoother. At the rate he’s tearing proclamations off his big Bounty roll, he’s going to need a refill soon, so thank God I’m here.
I humbly offer the following suggestions for future proclamations to make sure that no citizen goes unstoned:
National George Santos Day. Celebrates the life and lies of one of America’s most outrageous former felons. A Trump-produced reality TV show is in the offing.
No Pussy Hats. Any woman seen wearing one in a public gathering will be arrested by ICE agents and sent to an undisclosed offshore facility. Any man seen wearing one will be stripped of all his pronouns and remanded to a gender-reassignment clinic.
No Public Gatherings. A sure-fire away of nipping the pussy-hat problem in the bud. It solves a whole bunch of other problems as well.
Proud Boy Pride Week. Recognizing the contributions of armed Americans who show their love of country by storming Federal facilities.
January 6 National Holiday. In case that last one is too subtle.
National Branding Initiative. Explores all the possible ways that Trump can get his name and likeness anywhere and everywhere: on a coin, giant banners on federal buildings, Trump signs atop all public buildings, his face added to Mount Rushmore, and “Trump 2028” lawn signs.
Peace Prize Forever. Replaces those un-American Norwegian terrorists with a blue-ribbon domestic panel to award the Nobel Peace Prize to Trump every year in perpetuity. The judges will comprise felons who have been pardoned by the president (a.k.a. “American heroes”).
Gold Access Plan. With all of the gilded ornaments that Big Boi is lavishing on the White House, we are running out of the precious metal. This proclamation allows President Goldfinger to take as much gold out of Fort Knox as he likes to melt it down for his decor needs. Or to sell it online in the Trump Store. Or to donate it to a Trump charity.
White House Gift Shop. A cozy little emporium to hawk Trump memorabilia to the 1,500 or so tourists who visit the White House every day (when the government isn’t shut down). Who says brick and mortar is dead?
All Restaurants Become McDonald's. Inspired by the movie Demolition Man, in which all restaurants end up being Taco Bells, Trump is circumventing “The Great Restaurant War” from the film and ordering that all restaurants begin serving Happy Meals, Big Macs and fries. The day before this proclamation, Trump buys a shitload of McDonald's stock.
Rebranding the Country. An edict to rename the United States “Trumperica.” Both houses of Congress have given pre-approval. The Supreme Court says it’s fine by them as long as nobody tries to pry their RVs from their cold, dead hands.
Public Transit Seating Rearrangement Plan. All Democrats and other un-American terrorists will have to go to the back of the bus.
Equal Treatment of Women. All women in the administration henceforth will be called “Karen” to avoid any hint of name inequality. This proclamation serves to eliminate wacky un-American terrorist monikers like Kristi, Brooke, Lori, Karoline, awkward hyphenated names, and any other name ending in the letter “i.”
As usual, the job of announcing these proclamations to the press and public will fall to White House Press Secretary Karen Leavitt.